


Arachno-Pizza-Time

by aardvark_french



Series: The Emo Maguire Saga [3]
Category: Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), My Chemical Romance, Spider-Man (Movies - Raimi), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb)
Genre: Action, Canon-Typical Violence, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't Read This, Don't Try This At Home, Emo Peter Parker, F/M, In-Jokes, Infinity Gauntlet (Marvel), M/M, Memes, Pizza, Polyamory, Sorry Not Sorry, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge Era, implied nick carraway/jay gatsby, kevin feige hire me, might be the plot of mcu spider-man 3, mostly just the spider-man actors beating each other up, what hell yeah what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28759569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aardvark_french/pseuds/aardvark_french
Summary: It’s the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny, but will a certain eccentric millionaire get in the way?This had better be the actual plot of the MCU’s Spider-Man 3.
Relationships: Andrew Garfield/Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom, Frank Iero/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Tobey Maguire, Frank Iero/Tobey Maguire/Gerard Way, Jay Gatsby/Tobey Maguire, Tobey Maguire/Gerard Way
Series: The Emo Maguire Saga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2095386
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Arachno-Pizza-Time

“Let me get this straight,” Tobey said, swinging high above London by Tom Holland’s side. “The Queen of England is trying to steal Gerard’s life force to make herself immortal?” 

Tom nodded. “I thought you should know,” he said as he webbed his way toward the Brixton Academy, where My Chemical Romance was playing. “But one Spider-Man to another, there’s something much more sinister going on here.” 

“What is it?” Tobey asked. 

“Our mutual enemy has allied himself with the Queen.” 

Tobey gasped as he realized exactly who Tom was talking about. 

“Andrew Garfield,” they both said in unison. 

Tobey couldn’t believe it. Andrew had been trying to steal his job for a while now, but this was taking it too far. He had to defeat him and protect his boyfriend, no matter what it took.

He had to warn Gerard about the plot before it was too late. 

Tobey landed on the roof of the Brixton Academy, glanced toward Tom, and said, “Follow me.” Then, he shot his web into the backstage area and swung into the room, landing upside down. 

When they got there, Ray was checking his guitar, Frank and Gerard were chatting, and Mikey was poring over a mysterious piece of paper. 

“Maybe after this, you, me, and Tobey should head over to that nuclear power plant,” Frank said with a wink. 

“No way!” Gerard exclaimed. “We did that last night, and it did _not_ end well.” 

“Hey guys, we got an invitation to a party after the show,” Mikey said, still staring at the paper. “Says here it’s hosted by some guy named Jay Gatsby.” 

All at once, they noticed that Tobey was here. As soon as he saw him, Gerard peeled off Tobey’s mask and kissed him passionately, while Frank blew him a kiss from the back of the room. “These Spider-Man kisses never get old,” Gerard whispered before immediately leaning in for another one. 

“Hey, can you two maybe make out sometime when we’re not all in mortal danger?” Tom said. 

“We’re all in mortal danger?” Mikey said, dropping the invitation out of pure shock. 

“Wait, who’s the other Spider-Man?” Frank asked as he gestured toward Tom. 

“Tom Holland,” Tobey said. “Apparently he’s from the future.” 

“That’s cute,” Gerard said. “He’s like a Little Tobey Jr.!” 

“So Tan Hyland…” Frank said. 

“Tom Holland,” Tom corrected him. 

“Okay, Tim Hammond,” Frank said as Tom rolled his eyes. “Why are we all in mortal danger?” 

“The Queen of England’s going to try to steal Gerard’s life force during the concert,” Tom explained. 

Gerard gasped. “My queen would never do something like that!” 

“It’s true,” Tom said. “She has help from Andrew Garfield too.” 

“Don’t worry too much about it, Gee,” Tobey said. “I’ll keep you safe tonight.” 

“Thanks, Tobes,” Gerard said. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Tobey!” Frank exclaimed. 

Tobey smiled and said, “And I love you both. Good luck, and be careful out there.” He then shot his web into the front row of the concert hall, turned to Tom, and said, “Come on, Mini-Me. Let’s go.” 

Tobey and Tom both swooped into the front row, and sure enough, Queen Elizabeth II was already there, waiting for the concert to start. Tobey tried to keep an eye on her, but more than anything, he was excited to see his two boyfriends perform. They were both talented musicians, and between Gerard’s theatricality and Frank’s boundless energy, they both had incredible stage presence. He’d seen MCR live dozens of times now, but no matter how many times he saw them, every single show was electrifying. 

“What song do you think they’ll open with?” he asked Tom. “Usually, it’s Thank You For The Venom, but sometimes they mix up with I’m Not Okay or Helena…” 

“Honestly, I don’t know that much about this band,” Tom admitted. “I don’t really listen to emo music.” 

“What do you listen to then?” 

“Rihanna.” 

Tobey facepalmed. “Who let _you_ play Spider-Man?” 

“Hey, at least I’m better than Andrew Garfield.” 

All of a sudden, My Chemical Romance took the stage, and Tobey was instantly spellbound. As the opening riff of Thank You For The Venom echoed through the Brixton Academy, Tobey tried to brush his emo fringe away from his face in an attempt to get a better view, but soon, he was screaming, singing, and dancing along with all of the other MCR fans in the audience. Onstage, Gerard was screaming his lungs out, and Frank was bouncing around while intensely staring at the lead singer’s gorgeous face. Tobey, of course, couldn’t blame him. He was gazing at Gerard and Frank, letting the sounds of their beautiful voices fill his ears, wondering how he’d gotten lucky enough to end up with both of them. 

Just as Gerard announced that the next song was about sucking dick for cocaine, Tobey’s Spider-Sense began to tingle. “Is your Spider-Sense…?” Tobey asked, but before he could finish, Tom nodded. 

There was a loud banging noise, and Tobey glanced backwards. Sure enough, Andrew Garfield had broken down the door, and now, he was headed straight for the stage on his web. The Queen cackled as Tom and Tobey got ready for a firefight. 

Andrew jumped toward the stage, but Tom webbed him and then tossed him into a garbage can in the back row. “Wow, that was easy,” Tom said. 

“You’re trash, Andrew!” Tobey shouted in his direction. 

“I HAVE BACKUP!” Andrew screamed, but it was muffled by the web. 

Tobey and Tom both ignored him and watched the concert. MCR had moved on to It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s A Fucking Deathwish, and Tobey watched as Frank came closer and closer to Gerard. Just as their lips were about to meet, his Spider-Sense began to tingle again. He and Tom both looked toward the door, and as it turned out, Andrew was telling the truth. He did have backup. 

Thanos, along with his entire army, was in the doorway, and he was wearing the Infinity Gauntlet. 

“Oh no. Not this again,” Tom said, while MCR continued to play as if nothing was happening. 

“Don’t worry,” Tobey said. “We can do this.” 

He immediately webbed the door shut, but Thanos easily broke through. Tobey gave Tom a surprised look, while the younger Spider-Man simply shrugged and said, “I told you so.” 

“Maybe we can get Thanos if we both shoot web at him,” Tobey suggested. 

“It’s worth a try.” 

“Okay,” Tobey said. “3...2...1…” 

They both webbed Thanos, but to him, it was nothing but a minor annoyance. He brushed it off easily, and as the drums pounded in the background, Tobey and Tom knew that they needed a new plan. 

“Maybe you can crawl up to the ceiling, and I’ll try and guard the stage?” Tom suggested. 

“Sure,” Tobey said. He crawled up the wall while Tom continued to shoot web at Thanos, but it didn’t seem to be working. 

“I am...inevitable,” Thanos said as he snapped his fingers, and all of a sudden, the music stopped. 

Tobey looked toward the stage, and Frank and Mikey were slowly turning to dust, along with about half of the audience. Tears filled his eyes as he grieved for Frank. There was so much he would miss about him: his guitar playing, his love for animals, his chaotic energy...

“Tobey,” Tom said as Tobey jumped down to the floor. “I don’t feel so good.” He clung onto Tobey, but it was too late. He was already disintegrating. “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t…” 

It was over. Tom Holland was gone. 

Tobey sobbed loudly, wondering what he would do now that Frank, Mikey, and Tom were nothing but piles of dust. What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to go on? 

He looked to Gerard, who was pacing across the stage, grappling with the exact same questions. His eyes were filled with tears, but it was only a few minutes before he stepped up to the microphone and said, “We have to keep the show going. Frank and Mikey are dead and gone, believe me, and I miss them...I miss them so, so much, but we’ll carry on.” 

He and Ray began to play again, but MCR didn’t sound the same without their rhythm guitarist and their bassist. “I will avenge my ghost with every breath I take,” Gerard sang. “I’m coming back from the dead, and I’ll take you home with…” All of a sudden, Gerard stopped singing again. “I’VE GOT IT! I KNOW HOW TO DEFEAT THANOS!” Gerard screamed. “Tobey! You’re still radioactive, right?!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tobey said. 

“Last night! At the nuclear power plant!” Gerard exclaimed. Tobey still looked confused, so Gerard sighed and said, “Try biting Thanos. If you’re radioactive, you’ll gain his powers.” 

Now Tobey was even more confused. “Do you even realize how insane you sound right now?” he said. 

“Just do it!” 

“Besides, wouldn’t he gain my powers instead of me gaining his powers?” 

“It works both ways. Trust me on this, Tobes.” 

Tobey still wasn’t sure about this plan, but he did trust Gerard, and besides, what was the worst that could happen? Thanos had already taken away his friend, his boyfriend, and his closest ally. It couldn’t get much worse than this. 

As MCR started to play again, Tobey sprinted toward Thanos, grabbed onto his arm, and sank his teeth into his blue flesh. The taste in his mouth was absolutely horrendous, but as he backed away, he felt unlimited power coursing through his veins. Gerard’s plan, as crazy as it was, had worked. 

That was when the Infinity Gauntlet flew off of Thanos’ hand, sailed through the air, and landed on Tobey’s hand. He marveled at the gauntlet for a moment out of pure disbelief, and then he began to dance, snapping his fingers thrice. 

Once to bring back all of his fallen friends. 

Twice to turn Thanos and his army to dust. 

Three times to order pizza for the entire concert hall. 

“Pizza time,” he said as boxes of pizza fell from the sky into the Brixton Academy, which was packed with MCR fans once again. 

Tom Holland caught one of the boxes and immediately devoured his large spinach and mushroom pizza with extra cheese. “Hey Tobey, while you’re at it, can you erase 2020 and 2021 from existence?” he asked. 

“Why?” Tobey asked.

“Because they were both awful years.” 

“Okay, that’s a pretty good reason.” Tobey snapped his fingers, and just like that, 2020 and 2021 both disappeared. 

Many years later, everyone would be confused as to why the calendar jumped from December 31, 2019 to January 1, 2022, but now, in 2005, Tom Holland seemed happier than ever, knowing that those two horrible years were gone. 

Onstage, My Chemical Romance, complete with Mikey and Frank, had just finished It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s A Fucking Deathwish, but now that it was pizza time, they weren’t about to start another song. Mikey immediately opened a box of pizza, while Frank stepped up to the microphone and asked, “Hey Tobey, could you get me a puppy?” 

“Sure,” Tobey said. He snapped his fingers again, and a small, adorable puppy suddenly appeared in Frank’s arms. 

“Tobey, can you get me a unicorn?” Mikey asked. 

Tobey nodded, snapped his fingers again, and a majestic unicorn appeared on stage right next to Mikey. 

“Tobes, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like a Ouija board, a bulletproof vest, and blood,” Gerard said. 

“How much blood?” Tobey asked. 

“Gallons of the stuff!” 

“What the hell, Gee?” Mikey said as he stroked his unicorn’s mane, but nevertheless, Tobey snapped his fingers and granted Gerard’s wish. 

Frank, Mikey, and Gerard, having already made their requests, all looked toward Ray, but something was off. Ray nervously stepped up to the microphone, and as he looked out over the audience, he said, “I have a confession to make. I’m not Ray Toro.” 

Everyone, including the rest of the band, was completely shocked. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Gerard said. “You’re Ray Toro!” 

Ray responded to that by yanking on his ‘fro, causing his mask to fall off and revealing his luscious beard. 

He wasn’t Ray Toro. He was Ray Torgo.

“I knew it!” Frank exclaimed. “I knew you weren’t human! Your guitar playing is way too good for that!” 

“Tobey Maguire,” Torgo said. His voice was strange and halting, but for the first time in a long time, it was a voice that was truly his. “All I’ve ever truly wanted is a wife of my own. I know I get all of the ladies, but what I really want is a woman who loves me the way you, Frank, and Gerard all love each other. I would ask you for that, but I do not feel at all qualified to discuss the philosophical implications of creating life using your Infinity Gauntlet. So instead, I’d like a new set of guitar picks.” 

Tobey snapped his fingers, and a stack of guitar picks appeared in front of Torgo. He wished he could grant his true wish, but not even the Infinity Gauntlet could help him do that. Torgo would have to find love on his own - however, Tobey suspected that with his thick legs and his flowing beard, Torgo would have no trouble at all finding someone to spend his life with. 

“Tobey!” Gerard exclaimed. “Come onstage with us!” 

Tobey webbed his way onto the stage, and as he stood alongside the members of My Chemical Romance, Gerard and Frank both kissing his cheeks, the audience cheered. 

“They love me,” he said, smiling and basking in the crowd’s adoration. 

“And...uhh...I guess we should applaud Little Tobey Jr. too,” Gerard said. “He did a pretty good job.” 

“And all of you,” Tobey said, gesturing to the members of MCR. “We couldn’t have done it without you.” 

All of a sudden, Andrew Garfield broke free of his web and leapt toward the stage, but Torgo whacked him over the head with his guitar. Meanwhile, Tobey jumped back into the audience, and My Chemical Romance resumed their show, starting with Helena, one of Tobey’s many favorite MCR songs. 

Now that Thanos was gone and Andrew Garfield was lying unconscious in front of the stage, Tobey danced like there was no tomorrow. 

As soon as the show was over, Tobey headed backstage, eager to see his boyfriends again. However, this time, Tom Holland didn’t follow him. “I have to go back to the future,” he explained. “The Avengers need me.” 

“You’re in the Avengers?” Tobey said, but Tom was already gone. 

Tobey shrugged and webbed his way backstage. When he got there, Gerard was busy doing his hair, reapplying his eyeliner, and making sure that every last feather in his feather boa was in place. “What are you doing?” Tobey asked. 

“Getting ready for Gatsby’s party,” Gerard explained. 

“Want to come with us?” Frank asked, his jet black hair hanging in his face. 

“Of course,” Tobey said. 

A few minutes later, all of them headed out of the Brixton Academy and walked to Gatsby’s house. Tobey held onto his two boyfriends, while Torgo and Mikey walked beside them. For Tobey, life couldn’t be better. The world was after him, but he’d won, and now, it was time to celebrate. 

Meanwhile, back at the Brixton Academy, Andrew Garfield opened his eyes, and he saw the Queen standing over him, a disapproving look on her face. “You have failed me for the last time, Andrew,” she said. 

“I’m sorry,” Andrew said as he stumbled to his feet. “I tried to get to Gerard for you, but Tobey Maguire has become far too powerful, and he will stop at nothing to keep his boyfriend safe. Stealing Gerard’s life force is going to be next to impossible.” 

The Queen was furious. “But Andrew!” she exclaimed. “I’ll die if I don’t steal his life force, and you don’t want Prince Charles to become king, do you?” 

Andrew paused for a moment and then had a brilliant idea. “But it doesn’t have to be Gerard’s life force,” he said. “It could be someone else.” 

“Yes, but Gerard was easy to seduce,” the Queen said. 

“You don’t have to seduce anyone, Your Majesty.” 

“Call me Liz.” 

“Liz, sorry,” Andrew said. “You don’t have to seduce anyone because there’s another way.” Andrew smirked and then added, “We can kill two birds with one stone.” 

The Queen smiled. “How?” she asked. 

“I invented a gun that steals people’s life force, and it’s already in Buckingham Palace,” Andrew explained. “I propose that we test it out on Tobey Maguire.” 

“That’s a brilliant plan,” the Queen said. “So brilliant that I could kiss you right now.” 

Andrew leaned in, and when his lips crashed against the Queen’s, he felt electricity flowing through his veins. He was sure that this plan would work, that he would kill Tobey, that his beloved Queen would live forever. If they fell in love too, that would just put the icing on the cake. 

At Gatsby’s house, the party was in full swing. Frank was on the dancefloor, Mikey was eating his body weight in sushi, Torgo was trying to grope some random woman’s shoulder, and Tobey and Gerard were sitting in the corner, flipping through the newest addition to Gerard’s comic book collection. Every once in a while, Tobey looked around, amazed by the extravagance of the party. He wondered who this mysterious Jay Gatsby was, why he’d invited My Chemical Romance to his party, where that strange green light was coming from…

All of a sudden, he spotted him. 

Jay Gatsby. 

And there was something gorgeous about him. 

Tobey got up and walked closer to him, instantly drawn to the man in the perfectly-tailored suit. He had never seen someone so elegantly handsome in his entire life, and now, all he wanted was to spend just a single moment in his presence. 

“Hey there, old sport,” Gatsby said as Tobey approached him. “I didn’t think you were going to come to the party.” 

“Everyone else wanted to go, and I thought I might tag along,” Tobey said, flustered. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re here, old sport,” Gatsby said. “These parties aren’t the same without you.” 

Tobey saw how Gatsby looked at him, as if he were the most beautiful man in the world, and instantly, he knew that it was love at first sight. 

Except Tobey already had a boyfriend - two of them, actually - and he knew exactly what it felt like to be cheated on. He remembered how devastated he was when he found out that Gerard had almost kissed the Queen of England, and he promised himself that he would never make Frank and Gerard feel like that. He would have to keep his distance from the great Gatsby. 

“You see, old sport, I left the 1920s because I thought it would make me happy,” Gatsby said. “I threw money at the greatest scientists of our time so that they would build me a time machine, but living here hasn’t made my life any better. I miss the grand parties, I miss Daisy, I’ve missed you most of all…” 

Tobey didn’t have any idea what Gatsby was talking about, but he could hardly breathe when they were so close to each other. He stepped backwards into the elevator, his blue eyes fixated on Gatsby. 

All of a sudden, Andrew Garfield swooped into the room on his web and shot Tobey with the life force gun. Tobey screamed, but there was nothing he could do. Moments later, he collapsed onto the ground, dead. 

“NO!” Frank screamed as he ran over to Tobey. “NOT TOBEY!”

Gerard quickly noticed all of the commotion and rushed to the elevator, but when he saw Tobey’s dead body, he kneeled down next to him and began to cry. “Tobey,” he said. “Tobey, can you hear me?” When Tobey didn’t respond, Gerard only cried harder. 

Gatsby, however, looked confused. “Wait a second, old sport,” he said. “That’s not Nick Carraway?” 

“No!” Gerard exclaimed, still sobbing. “Why on earth would you think that?!” He then turned to Andrew Garfield. “He’s dead!” he shouted. “My boyfriend’s dead, and you killed him!”

“I missed the part where that’s my problem,” Andrew said as he webbed away. 

“That’s his line!” Gerard screamed. “You’re not allowed to say that!” 

As soon as Andrew was gone, Gerard and Frank both went back to crying over Tobey’s death. To them, Tobey was more than just Spider-Man. He was a lover, a confidant, a friend. They didn’t know how they would go on without him. 

“So long and goodnight, Tobey,” Gerard whispered as he cradled his boyfriend’s lifeless body. 

Meanwhile, Tobey awoke in a strange, dark room. He looked around, but he had no clue where he was or what was happening. 

All of a sudden, he heard a buzzing sound, following by chomping. As the swarm came closer, he realized exactly what the creatures were. 

Bees with teeth. 

_Am I in super-hell?_ Tobey wondered to himself. _Like Castiel from Supernatural?_

He suddenly noticed that there was someone else in here with him, a woman wearing an all-leather outfit. She hardly even looked up from her phone when Tobey asked her, “Where am I?” 

“Up your mom’s butt,” she responded. 

“No, seriously. Where am I?” 

She flipped her dyed blonde hair and answered, “You’re in the Bad Place, ya fat dink.”


End file.
